Morning After Pill now REALLY freely available

I caught an article by Bill Taylor from the Toronto Star today about Plan B being freely available now, not just as an over the counter drug which it has been for at least a year. Much like a box of vitamins or Tylenol, it will be available on the shelf without having to ask the pharmacist for it.

While I have always straddled the fence on the issue between being pro-life and pro-choice, I think the move by the regulating authorities to allow morning after contraceptives to be THIS freely available is a terrible decision with many repercussions in society. Funnily enough, I was very happy when I heard last year that Plan B would be available as an OTC without prescription. How does this ruling change things? Here's just a taste of my rant on the subject:

We should always be aware of what any type of medicine does to our bodies, whether it is prescribed and explained by a doctor, over the counter with the advice of a pharmacist or off the shelf with directions from a label. I always figured that the reason that certain drugs are more regulated is because of the level of danger it poses to the individual taking it. However most of us take medicine off the shelf without thinking and that is just a fact. They are merely to eliminate symptoms of minor afflictions to avoid annoyances that get in the way of everyday life.

While as a society we wouldn't want too many unwanted or unplanned pregnancies, is this what life has become? This is absolutely disrespectful to life itself! While I believe a woman has the right to choose how and when to bring a child into the world, the unborn child or unformed potential for life that possibly resides in her body at that moment should warrant SOME respect and thought. It is not a symptom to be rid of at mere whim. If unplanned sexual encounters occur, the consequence of that should be pondered. Choices must be made with serious deliberation and any couple, no matter what age should have to do that.

In the cases of rape or young couples, a medical professional or pharmacist should at least consult them on the possible physical and psychological side effects of such an action no matter how non-evasive the drug proclaims itself to be. A truly pro-choice solution should mean that the person making the choice has been given all relevant information affecting their decision. Without that knowledge, we know that people in general would prefer to be ignorant (and just do it) but the choice becomes an irresponsible choice. Whether that is irresponsible is just personal opinion but since the outcome of such a decision affects society on a broader level because of possible child benefits & social welfare issues, we need to acknowledge the fact that when certain options are made so freely available, it definitely increases the chance of some behaviors.

While the internet is a wonderful source of information, it cannot replace a live person who can be relied upon as a source of support & information. Other resources should also be made available instead of just relying on drugs to get rid of the "problem". Having Plan B so freely available makes sex education & information directed towards young people a complete waste of time. It completely undoes the benefits of such education as a deterrent for unsafe sex.

I don't know how intense the pressure is as a young adult to be sexually active. For myself, the pressure was mostly from my own biological needs. I was worried about diseases but at that age, you mostly just want to have sex. However I can just imagine the pressure women will have across the entire age spectrum to have sex without protection because now their sexual partner can simply walk into a pharmacy and purchase Plan B for them. "Here honey, don't worry. I'll go get you some Plan B!" They don't even have to go through the embarrassing action of asking a pharmacist for it. Not that I think many of the partners did before but now they can. Where does the power lie now?

In fact, for the really unethical, they can just go buy Plan B and drug somebody with it while they manipulate their target to have unprotected, maybe unplanned, or even unwilling sex. If date rape was reported accurately, surely there will be a shift in the stats. How's that for pro-choice, huh?

I don't even know what else to say about this. I am incredibly upset by this decision!

The yin and the yang

I continued to ponder on the topic from yesterday as I was driving home. I realized the reason my two loves are at odds with each other.

One love must be completely selfless and the other requires absolute selfishness to attain perfection. No wonder they come back nipping at each other's tails because they are aspects that can never be quashed. By natural progression, when you neglect your own needs and desires for an extended period, you will show signs of resentment towards whatever is keeping you from fulfilling those wants. Even if you really do not resent the reason because logically you know the choice is yours, outwardly the signs will surface.

How convoluted is it? They say that to truly love another you have to learn to love yourself. Yet in the world I have created, loving another fully means sacrificing myself at the altar of my object of desire. I do love myself! I love myself so much that I think the only gift worth giving to my love is plain old me, as I am. No frills, just me.

Something isn't quite adding up though. If I give myself away, then I will always feel a void. Which is more important? More beneficial? To me or to others? Myself? Or what I have to offer?

to be continued...

To live in balance

There are aspects within me always at odds with each other. Both fulfill the same need inside me: the need to blossom and swell with emotion and enthusiasm. It's a strange need to describe. One aspect inspires me to love a person with all my heart, to abandon all else and throw myself into the flames of passion, so to speak. It causes an uproar of emotions and the more enthusiastic I become in pursuing it. The other aspect is a love for learning and creation: to expend all energy into the experience of something new whether it be to my own making or already existing. Mediocrity will not be tolerated, at least not by my own standards because there would be no value in its pursuit. It would be meaningless: a trifling waste of effort worth nothing to anyone. Thus, it also demands all time and effort to be hurled at whatever is at hand.

Perhaps there really is no room for both loves in my life. The effort required for the love of one person and the love of all other things seem to cancel each other out. There doesn't seem to be any middle ground that does not lie on that dreaded plateau of mediocre stagnation. Attempts to suppress one seems only to let the other lie dormant for a period until the currently active love wanes just a little usually out of my control. Then the opposing force comes back with an intensified fervor. Fighting one another for head space, allowing for no peace at all. It never ends. Every few weeks, just when I think I have it under control, my mind races and clutters with thoughts to justify either side.

At the moment I feel like my creative aspect is vying for dominance once more in my happily in love and idle mind. It concocts stories & conversations that never existed to convince me that my choice is wrong. I don't believe them if I focus and let myself think but like I said, it's hard to listen to myself through the noise sometimes. Other times it convinces me that this is not my true nature but both sides make that argument and I never really know. Can I really not be/have both? Is it too greedy?

The answer to yesterday

The answer is you do nothing drastic. You talk to your guy even if you are afraid to. He might be offended but try to keep calm and NOT be crazy. I am not sure how well I did that, probably not the greatest knowing my history but don't yell, don't explode on him coz he had a hard day too. If you are lucky, he might reassure you in some fashion. Either way it has to be satisfactory and there shall be no unreasonable demands. It is not a right.

Mostly you just needed to communicate how you felt to the one that matters most and as long as you keep somewhat calm when discuss the matter, it will probably all be okay in the end.

Sometimes your mind concocts some crazy things* and even though you try your best to ignore and push it away, it just doesn't disappear. If it needs to get out, let it out in the healthiest way possible.

* For instance, a disturbing & unpleasant nightmare

What a dilemma?!

How do you stop your beau's ex('s), especially the one who currently lives with you both because she has no place to stay and no $, from telling him "i love u always" behind your back? You know she txts him all the time and fine it's "none of your business". Exactly what it is, u can only guess but it's a gf's intuition and feel for her man's reaction to know where certain communiques come from. Now, after meeting and knowing her better because she is so close, u just know she is doing it or saying exact things like that. Call it women's intuition, call it 6th sense, even if they denied it, u just know!

What the hell do you do? Honestly, what?!

damnit...

You know how sometimes old friends find you online and ask for your phone #...and then you regret it but think well, it's not so bad. Then less than 15 minutes after you gave them your # they call you in the middle of a work day. And when you say hey I'm working in the middle of something and they say what time do you get off work? Now you're really hating yourself for doing it...

Empathy for A4

As I was driving along the other day I took note of all the little things that needs fixing on my car: the side mirrors are rusted but they still work, the rear view mirror refuses to stay on after multiple glue-ings, the little hole chipped in on the cruise control acceleration buttons, the loud muffler, the brake light that is always on, the rubber trim pieces slowly peeling off the doors, the almost invisible rusted edges here and there, the popped off & missing centre wheel cap, and the feeling that the engine struggles every so often or the timing is off when it does its thing. The interior is slightly scratched here and there, a good cleaning or rubbing down with oils will probably work wonders but when I saw all these things, I felt sad because I empathized with my car.

I remember when I test drove it with my bf just over 3 years ago. It was 6 years old then and while it looked used, the previous owner was easy on it and it honestly felt relatively new. It had power, it went when you gave it gas. It had minor scratches on the outside only and the interior was close to perfect. Mechanically & electrically it was flawless as far as I could tell. I loved it and still do but I have not been as nice to it as I could've. Only did basic repairs and tuneups on it. Often, things were not fixed until it broke down or out of necessity. I did not put above average kilometers on it but for a year or so, it went through some terrain that was probably inappropriate for it.

Now, while not on its last legs yet, it feels haggard, aged & tired. Only 3 short years. I feel like its journey & transformation closely resembled my own and of course it was there with me through much of it. It sheltered me when I decided to sleep outside someone's house for some godforsaken reason when I could've gone home. I changed in it, ate in it & it trucked all my belongings back and forth many times. It took me through nasty weather to get to work far from home. It accompanied me with music and made me feel better when I was down. On some of those longer drives, I felt the much needed escape it provided. For the 3 hours there and back on those days, it was just me, my car and the road: the freedom of mobility, possibilities, opportunities.

Sadly, I cannot say I paid for this car. It was a gift from my parents from about 8 years ago and I thank them very much for it. Aside from being a tool and a mere means of transportation, it has often been a sanctuary of sorts also. It is for all these reasons that I feel sad now. When I drive it and it struggles, all I can think is "I feel you, I know the years have not been too kind but we must keep moving until we can go no more." The roads will get better, there will be brighter horizons and when I am able, I will plan a better route for you so that you may have a longer and stabler life. Until then, keep that ol' license plate on you and we will go wherever we are needed.

Home is where the heart is

I know this to be true and it feels strange and uncomfortable sleeping without my heart. I feel aimless, hollow and restless as my chest aches, longing for warmth in the deep caverns of where my heart should be. It's cold here.

That bound feeling

This is what being an "adult" feels like or maybe that's a bad label for what this is. There are just situations you put yourself into, refuse to get out of, where more often than not you feel as if your hands are tied, your mouth is gagged and you are almost blind-folded, prodded and pushed along to an action you are reluctant to take. It's the classic damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don't scenario.

They are the abundant moments in life when you breath deeply, sigh with all your being, hoping to release the pent up whatever that doesn't go anywhere. You desperately want the tension to relieve itself but it lingers and gnaws away at you little by little on the inside.

*breath in, breath out* Nope, doesn't work. Meditation. So simple an exercise yet so hard to execute.

Go away...please...so I can sleep in peace.

The Blame Game

I just gotta say and it will be redundant as ever. The blame game is NOT fun for anybody, especially if you're on the shit end of the stick. Why is it that we always feel the need to blame someone else just because our day's gone bad? Or by some stroke of bad luck things did not go the right way? EVEN if that's piled on top of a very bad day, a regular old hissy fit, being grouchy, all that is fine and dandy. It's only normal. We are human. Why dear god why do we have to start firing guns at everybody that crosses our paths? Not just to dump on them because we know that's unjustified, so we hafta dig for reasons even if they are not logical.

I usually just end up crying either way but I guess that ain't healthy either. Fuck man...high EQ people (myself included) are just...arrrrrrrrggg!!!

Well that's it. I might as well be dead now. As a result of fearing getting yelled at for no reason, I avoided doing something which turned out to worsen another unrelated situation and now I will be blamed for all that as well. So fine, I deserve it. Somebody just kill me now.

OMG wi-fi good on HTC621

this is the longest i have been able to stay connected and actually surf and blog (!!!) on my smartphone super chistmas present from my beloved. this is great! now if only there was wi-fi at both of the places i worked...

today by the way was the absolute-test fucking sickeningly boring day at work ever where i think i did less than a full hours worth of real work in an 8 hour work day. sweet coz i'm getting paid for every minute "wasted" on surfing the net but fuck i wished i would plop over on my keyboard and just died right there...

Offended

You know, honestly there are times when I do not have a "FULL" day's work but often times I do enough. I waste some time here and there, while I work at the same time to keep myself sane because I am a little ADD. But when the work is there, I can always handle it and do it in 8 hours time because i prioritize and organize. Just because I am more efficient, and am not being managed well, it is no fault of mine.

To be accused of being "idle" shows exactly how little my manager knows about what his workers ought to be doing to do their job right. Instead of just piling on the work saying it needs to be handled now, forcing them to constantly start and not finish anything, which ultimately creates more backlog later on. Why not just make and let them finish it through to the end? It's as if I am not already maintaining and constantly adding items to existing PO's (these are tasks he is never even aware of!) OR helping A/P with all the problems that he and his department are dodging phonecalls from. It's not even just that he said I was idle because there are odd times when I am. But at this time when he said he had to keep me busy by bringing me another pile of invoices, even though I told him I only entered a bunch of PR's which need to be followed up on, that's when he said I was idle and I said well no I have to do work on them. He said, come on, be honest with me. Meaning what? That i am lying and saying I have work when I have nothing? It's a slap in the face that's what.

I mean, fuck sticking around just to help him out, why should I? He already screwed my chances of having a forward momentum in this job by not releasing me to A/P just because he could not manage the extra work by NOT having me here. You know, if I am so idle, why don't I just quit and they can do the rest of this on their own. I am hopping mad right now but look at me, here I am working and chugging away. Screw this bullshit, I'm finding a job closer to home.

So grey

Wowee it is depressing outside...and inside at work. It's cold, grey and absolutely dreary. Also my not having worked out in a week is making my joints aching for movement. Damn I shouldn't have been lazy. Must stretch tonight and thank god tomorrow night is yoga class. Still another 2 hours before home time, arg. I started yesterday, first day back from the long weekend, oh so well. How quickly it has turned ugly on me!

Ready for Hibernation

You know how your body temperature drops when you go to sleep? Right now, the office feels just cool enough not to be cold, but enough to make me want to be warm and toasty, curl into a blanket and sleep forever. Damn these hibernation temperatures, makes it so difficult to concentrate!

Yoga classes start tonight! First in a series of 9 and it'll be just me tonight. Starting next week my mom will be going with me. I'm feeling a wee bit of excitement.

Foolishly I agreed to work the Chinese News broadcast every Tuesday night. There's a little bit of regret and kicking myself there, but I suppose at the end of the month I will be $100 richer.

...yay...

mmm...Watermelon...

It's been awhile since I posted here. I guess I have actually been concentrating on work for a bit since I started listening to audiobooks of The Wheel of Time series. I read through 5 and a half books of the series way back when, during the last years of highschool. Everyone was reading them, I just kind of jumped on the bandwagon. They were an enjoyable series with engaging characters but there was so much going on, especially certain side stories that were of less interest to me than others. I honestly probably skimmed through a good quarter of what I read. Listening to the first few chapters of Book 4 right now and there are some sections I don't remember at all, not that it mattered much to the overall plot progression.

The good thing about the audiobook is if I start "skimming" I can just pause it, go back a minute, 10 minutes, a few chapters or wherever and re-absorb it all. It also helps me focus on work as it plays in the background. It's quite efficient, like eavesdropping on a nearby conversation except it's not some inane banter or useless gossip! It was difficult at first to get used to the 2 voice actors. I really rejected it in the beginning and felt terrible to have their voices read what I had imagined but eventually my voice merged with theirs and they do a much better job than me in emoting the characters' dialogue.

I only wonder what I would do when I finish all 11 audiobooks. Work will return to the old days of ho-hum-dom that I dread. The onset of winter is fast approaching with bleak, dreary and grey days that barely motivates me to roll out of bed let alone get myself to work. I must find another diversion to ease me through the days. If only I had 4 arms and a remote camera sending a feed to a pair of video goggles that look like regular glasses. 2 arms to work under the table, knitting away while the camera shows me what I am knitting, my other 2 arms will type away on the computer and me, looking ever more concentrated with my new specs and all.

Where oh where is the technological future we were promised?

I quote Chris Willman in his review Linkin Park's Minutes to Midnight at Entertainment Weekly's site.

"Next time, guys, embrace your outmoded identity, throw cred or caution to the wind, and let your rap-rock freak flag fly. "

Taken out of context, it's actually a pretty good motto for life in general and the last bit just sounds funny so it's a bonus. Fly you rap rocking freak flag, FLYYY~!

To those of you actually interested in the review, it is interesting to see the complete divide of LP fans on their latest album. They are polar opposites. I've never been a LP die-hard myself but I've liked most of their singles from before. "Faint" being a favourite club anthem that just pumps you up and starts you off to one rocking night. I agree that from Meteora on, even the singles were starting to be weak and a mere rehashing of old material. When the first single "What I've Done" came out for this one, I was very disappointed. That's why the second single "Bleed It Out" completely took me by surprise and I thought I had prematurely judged them and perhaps I should make the effort to give the whole album a listen. After reading more articles, I think I'll just get the other Mike Shinoda rapping track "Hands Held High".

Shape-shifter

I woke up early one morning
bawling my eyes out
silently screaming.
Strange, cathartic & disturbing all at once.

I tried to find reasons
as to why I would cry
literally in my sleep.
Justified though it may be
It makes little sense none the less.

I shudder at the thought of that moment
In my half dream/half conscious state
when I realized the wet tears pouring down my cheeks,
a waterfall of emotions pooling on my pillow.

Blips from my dream flashes in my mind.
Accusations piercing my just healed wounds,
humiliating words fly my way.
There I had no room to dodge.
There I had no control, no escape.

A child walked clumsily towards me,
followed by that shape-shifting monster.
He chomped down on my chains,
barely taking off my foot.
He told me I am free to come along.

My heart ached to follow and embrace the beast,
but instinct made me want to run.
The child stared at me with innocent eyes, pleading for me to come.
What would you have done?

I was paralyzed for a while
but the monster began to taunt me.
The same thoughts pounded through my mind
over and over.
Until finally I just flailed my arms
Running in circles,
screaming, crying at the top of my lungs.

Then I woke.

What's really "Green"?

Renewable Energy Wrecks Environment, According To Researcher
Science Daily — Renewable does not mean green. That is the claim of Jesse Ausubel of the Rockefeller University in New York. Writing in Inderscience's International Journal of Nuclear Governance, Economy and Ecology, Ausubel explains that building enough wind farms, damming enough rivers, and growing enough biomass to meet global energy demands will wreck the environment.

I'm not saying this guy is 100% right but it does make sense. I have to find the original article and do more research. Here's another article along those lines:

Bioenergy Could Do More Harm Than Good
Science Daily — Leading environmental groups are making an urgent plea to government not to downgrade other environmental concerns in promoting bioenergy to help tackle climate change.

Looks like it's back to the old drawing board before new policies are made based on the "green"-ness of renewable energy sources. It's about time for articles like this to surface as the US elections are coming right up and there will heated debates between the new & renewable energy supporters vs. the traditional & established energy titans.

Here's where it gets a little preachy...

No regrets.

There are always ups and downs in life but for a long time I have tried to make this my mantra. The reasoning is logical. At any given point in your life, you make decisions based on what you feel is best. The result may not always turn out the way you hoped or things change along the way and your decision from before does not appear so wise now. However you do the best with what information you have. That is why it is important to have trustworthy friends to talk things over, mentors to give advice and loved ones to give moral support.

After having a talk with the roommate last night about his current dilemmas, I realize that my mantra needs to be expanded upon. It's not enough just to have no regrets because in some ways you can assume that every decision you made was right. Alternatively, even if your decisions are wrong and in turn you suffer the consequences, by simply having no regrets, it somewhat waives your responsibilities for the situation, putting the blame on an outside force. One can then easily be trapped in a vortex of complaints and dread for the unfairness of life, allowing himself to be victim to everything that ever goes wrong. The "victim" can then digress even further, withdrawing from healthy interaction with all situations and people. Essentially giving up because what is the point in trying? The unfairness of the world will ultimately put him in his place despite his best efforts. But it's okay as long as it's not his fault, he will never have to admit his wrongs to feel guilt or see the truth behind his choices, yet he will never be happy either.

No regrets. No complaints. No excuses.

Here is the addition which I believe completes this mantra. The first part remains the same but the second and last part kind of go together. Aside from not regretting the choices in the past, one must be grateful for what you have now. You must not complain and put the blame on others for your misfortunes because you are the single most powerful force in your universe. Sometimes those outside forces are pretty strong too but you alone can change how you interact, deal with or shape your future. To achieve that, you must not make excuses for why you cannot change your ways. You cannot make excuses to relieve responsibility of yourself. To have no regrets means to understand and admit your mistakes, then take matters into your own hands and change how it's done in the future. This makes for a true learning experience that will ultimately improve life and open doors for opporunity.

6 months

Yesterday was the 6 month luniversary(?) of starting work at this company as a temp. I'm still at temp status but have been asked several times to stay and take on a full time permanent position, on salary, benefits, etc. but it's like a part of me does not want to accept the fact that this is it. It just seems so final, to admit defeat, to accept that I am only as good as this. This should be a reminder to me to actively look for other employment or concede to taking the permanent position. It's not as if I can't quit and go to something else if I have the opportunity, right?