Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Feels like it is coming again

I hate that feeling...
I hate crying uncontrollably.
The only thing in the world that drives me crazy when nothing else really phases me.

When did I lose control of all my emotions?
When did I chuck all rationality out the window?

Thursday, September 18, 2008

The Nuts & Bolts of Organizational Struction

It came to me today in yet another random flash of brilliance. Perhaps it isn't so brilliant but I impressed myself nonetheless. A bare-bones dissection of any organization reveals the 3 layers in organizational structure, the classes of employees if you will. It consists of low level workers, middle management & upper management.

Low level workers do all the grunt work. Their tasks can be menial, physical or extremely technical but their work produces the raison d'etre of the organization. Without the workers, there is no need for anything else. Upper management make important org-wide decisions that can have effects trickling down to every last employee mainly because their decisions affect the direction a company takes. Their decisions can make or break the organization.

As for middle management, we always hear about large organizations having too many mid-level managers. It has become a trend to consider middle management as completely unneccesary. Thus, the many layoffs in large companies in recent years create a harsh, competitive landscape for those in middle management positions and re-affirms this myth that we don't need them.

True, too much middle management creates unneccesarily inefficient bureaucracies but just the right amount of middle management will actually create a more cohesive organization. I love real and completely unrelated analogies so here is my brilliant new thought.

Take the nut, the bolt and the washer. The bolt does a half-assed job of holding two parts together but the nut keeps it in line. Without a washer though, that bolt is likely to slide from the nut over time and everything falls apart. I think the expression "cog in the machine" used to apply more to low level employees but now applies more to mid level management. It is actually a more fitting analogy anyway though it is often used incorrectly in the negative for cogs in a machine are absolutely neccesary. Cogs or gears are used for various reasons (from Jen Lewin):

1) They can reverse the direction of a motor or drive.
2) They can increase or decrease the turning of a motor.
3) They can increase or decrease the power of a motor's turning.

To sum up my point: the right cog and the right amount of cogs in the machine can make it a more powerful force to contend with therefore cogs & middle management should not be so easily dismissed.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Trying out this mobile blogging thing...

Short & sweet. That's how I will try to be anyways.

Friday, May 16, 2008

Morning After Pill now REALLY freely available

I caught an article by Bill Taylor from the Toronto Star today about Plan B being freely available now, not just as an over the counter drug which it has been for at least a year. Much like a box of vitamins or Tylenol, it will be available on the shelf without having to ask the pharmacist for it.

While I have always straddled the fence on the issue between being pro-life and pro-choice, I think the move by the regulating authorities to allow morning after contraceptives to be THIS freely available is a terrible decision with many repercussions in society. Funnily enough, I was very happy when I heard last year that Plan B would be available as an OTC without prescription. How does this ruling change things? Here's just a taste of my rant on the subject:

We should always be aware of what any type of medicine does to our bodies, whether it is prescribed and explained by a doctor, over the counter with the advice of a pharmacist or off the shelf with directions from a label. I always figured that the reason that certain drugs are more regulated is because of the level of danger it poses to the individual taking it. However most of us take medicine off the shelf without thinking and that is just a fact. They are merely to eliminate symptoms of minor afflictions to avoid annoyances that get in the way of everyday life.

While as a society we wouldn't want too many unwanted or unplanned pregnancies, is this what life has become? This is absolutely disrespectful to life itself! While I believe a woman has the right to choose how and when to bring a child into the world, the unborn child or unformed potential for life that possibly resides in her body at that moment should warrant SOME respect and thought. It is not a symptom to be rid of at mere whim. If unplanned sexual encounters occur, the consequence of that should be pondered. Choices must be made with serious deliberation and any couple, no matter what age should have to do that.

In the cases of rape or young couples, a medical professional or pharmacist should at least consult them on the possible physical and psychological side effects of such an action no matter how non-evasive the drug proclaims itself to be. A truly pro-choice solution should mean that the person making the choice has been given all relevant information affecting their decision. Without that knowledge, we know that people in general would prefer to be ignorant (and just do it) but the choice becomes an irresponsible choice. Whether that is irresponsible is just personal opinion but since the outcome of such a decision affects society on a broader level because of possible child benefits & social welfare issues, we need to acknowledge the fact that when certain options are made so freely available, it definitely increases the chance of some behaviors.

While the internet is a wonderful source of information, it cannot replace a live person who can be relied upon as a source of support & information. Other resources should also be made available instead of just relying on drugs to get rid of the "problem". Having Plan B so freely available makes sex education & information directed towards young people a complete waste of time. It completely undoes the benefits of such education as a deterrent for unsafe sex.

I don't know how intense the pressure is as a young adult to be sexually active. For myself, the pressure was mostly from my own biological needs. I was worried about diseases but at that age, you mostly just want to have sex. However I can just imagine the pressure women will have across the entire age spectrum to have sex without protection because now their sexual partner can simply walk into a pharmacy and purchase Plan B for them. "Here honey, don't worry. I'll go get you some Plan B!" They don't even have to go through the embarrassing action of asking a pharmacist for it. Not that I think many of the partners did before but now they can. Where does the power lie now?

In fact, for the really unethical, they can just go buy Plan B and drug somebody with it while they manipulate their target to have unprotected, maybe unplanned, or even unwilling sex. If date rape was reported accurately, surely there will be a shift in the stats. How's that for pro-choice, huh?

I don't even know what else to say about this. I am incredibly upset by this decision!

Thursday, April 17, 2008

The yin and the yang

I continued to ponder on the topic from yesterday as I was driving home. I realized the reason my two loves are at odds with each other.

One love must be completely selfless and the other requires absolute selfishness to attain perfection. No wonder they come back nipping at each other's tails because they are aspects that can never be quashed. By natural progression, when you neglect your own needs and desires for an extended period, you will show signs of resentment towards whatever is keeping you from fulfilling those wants. Even if you really do not resent the reason because logically you know the choice is yours, outwardly the signs will surface.

How convoluted is it? They say that to truly love another you have to learn to love yourself. Yet in the world I have created, loving another fully means sacrificing myself at the altar of my object of desire. I do love myself! I love myself so much that I think the only gift worth giving to my love is plain old me, as I am. No frills, just me.

Something isn't quite adding up though. If I give myself away, then I will always feel a void. Which is more important? More beneficial? To me or to others? Myself? Or what I have to offer?

to be continued...

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

To live in balance

There are aspects within me always at odds with each other. Both fulfill the same need inside me: the need to blossom and swell with emotion and enthusiasm. It's a strange need to describe. One aspect inspires me to love a person with all my heart, to abandon all else and throw myself into the flames of passion, so to speak. It causes an uproar of emotions and the more enthusiastic I become in pursuing it. The other aspect is a love for learning and creation: to expend all energy into the experience of something new whether it be to my own making or already existing. Mediocrity will not be tolerated, at least not by my own standards because there would be no value in its pursuit. It would be meaningless: a trifling waste of effort worth nothing to anyone. Thus, it also demands all time and effort to be hurled at whatever is at hand.

Perhaps there really is no room for both loves in my life. The effort required for the love of one person and the love of all other things seem to cancel each other out. There doesn't seem to be any middle ground that does not lie on that dreaded plateau of mediocre stagnation. Attempts to suppress one seems only to let the other lie dormant for a period until the currently active love wanes just a little usually out of my control. Then the opposing force comes back with an intensified fervor. Fighting one another for head space, allowing for no peace at all. It never ends. Every few weeks, just when I think I have it under control, my mind races and clutters with thoughts to justify either side.

At the moment I feel like my creative aspect is vying for dominance once more in my happily in love and idle mind. It concocts stories & conversations that never existed to convince me that my choice is wrong. I don't believe them if I focus and let myself think but like I said, it's hard to listen to myself through the noise sometimes. Other times it convinces me that this is not my true nature but both sides make that argument and I never really know. Can I really not be/have both? Is it too greedy?

Tuesday, March 25, 2008

The answer to yesterday

The answer is you do nothing drastic. You talk to your guy even if you are afraid to. He might be offended but try to keep calm and NOT be crazy. I am not sure how well I did that, probably not the greatest knowing my history but don't yell, don't explode on him coz he had a hard day too. If you are lucky, he might reassure you in some fashion. Either way it has to be satisfactory and there shall be no unreasonable demands. It is not a right.

Mostly you just needed to communicate how you felt to the one that matters most and as long as you keep somewhat calm when discuss the matter, it will probably all be okay in the end.

Sometimes your mind concocts some crazy things* and even though you try your best to ignore and push it away, it just doesn't disappear. If it needs to get out, let it out in the healthiest way possible.

* For instance, a disturbing & unpleasant nightmare

Monday, March 24, 2008

What a dilemma?!

How do you stop your beau's ex('s), especially the one who currently lives with you both because she has no place to stay and no $, from telling him "i love u always" behind your back? You know she txts him all the time and fine it's "none of your business". Exactly what it is, u can only guess but it's a gf's intuition and feel for her man's reaction to know where certain communiques come from. Now, after meeting and knowing her better because she is so close, u just know she is doing it or saying exact things like that. Call it women's intuition, call it 6th sense, even if they denied it, u just know!

What the hell do you do? Honestly, what?!

Friday, March 14, 2008


You know how sometimes old friends find you online and ask for your phone #...and then you regret it but think well, it's not so bad. Then less than 15 minutes after you gave them your # they call you in the middle of a work day. And when you say hey I'm working in the middle of something and they say what time do you get off work? Now you're really hating yourself for doing it...

Friday, February 29, 2008

Empathy for A4

As I was driving along the other day I took note of all the little things that needs fixing on my car: the side mirrors are rusted but they still work, the rear view mirror refuses to stay on after multiple glue-ings, the little hole chipped in on the cruise control acceleration buttons, the loud muffler, the brake light that is always on, the rubber trim pieces slowly peeling off the doors, the almost invisible rusted edges here and there, the popped off & missing centre wheel cap, and the feeling that the engine struggles every so often or the timing is off when it does its thing. The interior is slightly scratched here and there, a good cleaning or rubbing down with oils will probably work wonders but when I saw all these things, I felt sad because I empathized with my car.

I remember when I test drove it with my bf just over 3 years ago. It was 6 years old then and while it looked used, the previous owner was easy on it and it honestly felt relatively new. It had power, it went when you gave it gas. It had minor scratches on the outside only and the interior was close to perfect. Mechanically & electrically it was flawless as far as I could tell. I loved it and still do but I have not been as nice to it as I could've. Only did basic repairs and tuneups on it. Often, things were not fixed until it broke down or out of necessity. I did not put above average kilometers on it but for a year or so, it went through some terrain that was probably inappropriate for it.

Now, while not on its last legs yet, it feels haggard, aged & tired. Only 3 short years. I feel like its journey & transformation closely resembled my own and of course it was there with me through much of it. It sheltered me when I decided to sleep outside someone's house for some godforsaken reason when I could've gone home. I changed in it, ate in it & it trucked all my belongings back and forth many times. It took me through nasty weather to get to work far from home. It accompanied me with music and made me feel better when I was down. On some of those longer drives, I felt the much needed escape it provided. For the 3 hours there and back on those days, it was just me, my car and the road: the freedom of mobility, possibilities, opportunities.

Sadly, I cannot say I paid for this car. It was a gift from my parents from about 8 years ago and I thank them very much for it. Aside from being a tool and a mere means of transportation, it has often been a sanctuary of sorts also. It is for all these reasons that I feel sad now. When I drive it and it struggles, all I can think is "I feel you, I know the years have not been too kind but we must keep moving until we can go no more." The roads will get better, there will be brighter horizons and when I am able, I will plan a better route for you so that you may have a longer and stabler life. Until then, keep that ol' license plate on you and we will go wherever we are needed.

Monday, February 25, 2008

Home is where the heart is

I know this to be true and it feels strange and uncomfortable sleeping without my heart. I feel aimless, hollow and restless as my chest aches, longing for warmth in the deep caverns of where my heart should be. It's cold here.

Tuesday, February 12, 2008

That bound feeling

This is what being an "adult" feels like or maybe that's a bad label for what this is. There are just situations you put yourself into, refuse to get out of, where more often than not you feel as if your hands are tied, your mouth is gagged and you are almost blind-folded, prodded and pushed along to an action you are reluctant to take. It's the classic damned-if-you-do, damned-if-you-don't scenario.

They are the abundant moments in life when you breath deeply, sigh with all your being, hoping to release the pent up whatever that doesn't go anywhere. You desperately want the tension to relieve itself but it lingers and gnaws away at you little by little on the inside.

*breath in, breath out* Nope, doesn't work. Meditation. So simple an exercise yet so hard to execute.

Go away...please...so I can sleep in peace.

Sunday, January 20, 2008

The Blame Game

I just gotta say and it will be redundant as ever. The blame game is NOT fun for anybody, especially if you're on the shit end of the stick. Why is it that we always feel the need to blame someone else just because our day's gone bad? Or by some stroke of bad luck things did not go the right way? EVEN if that's piled on top of a very bad day, a regular old hissy fit, being grouchy, all that is fine and dandy. It's only normal. We are human. Why dear god why do we have to start firing guns at everybody that crosses our paths? Not just to dump on them because we know that's unjustified, so we hafta dig for reasons even if they are not logical.

I usually just end up crying either way but I guess that ain't healthy either. Fuck man...high EQ people (myself included) are just...arrrrrrrrggg!!!

Well that's it. I might as well be dead now. As a result of fearing getting yelled at for no reason, I avoided doing something which turned out to worsen another unrelated situation and now I will be blamed for all that as well. So fine, I deserve it. Somebody just kill me now.

Thursday, January 10, 2008

OMG wi-fi good on HTC621

this is the longest i have been able to stay connected and actually surf and blog (!!!) on my smartphone super chistmas present from my beloved. this is great! now if only there was wi-fi at both of the places i worked...

today by the way was the absolute-test fucking sickeningly boring day at work ever where i think i did less than a full hours worth of real work in an 8 hour work day. sweet coz i'm getting paid for every minute "wasted" on surfing the net but fuck i wished i would plop over on my keyboard and just died right there...